I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…