I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.