All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.