I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.