Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.