If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?