I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.