my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.