Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive