Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”