my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.