They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.