They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.