2023 was just a warmup
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.