It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.