I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.