My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.