Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.