If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.