i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”