I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”