A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.