A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man