Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.