The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over