I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?