The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.