Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.