My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.