Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners