“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.