At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.