I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 馃檪
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.