I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.