What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life