If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”