I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My wedding will be open casket.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920