Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.