What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo