When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa