I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…