Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.