People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.