If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.