“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents