Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My wedding will be open casket.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.