A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.