Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me