Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.