“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.